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Managing expectations is the trick to maximizing family holiday enjoyment, says family sociologist Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University. From talking politics to staying off-site, the author of “Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them”, says there is an incredible amount of media pressure pushing the notion that these events ought to be happy and harmonious.
Karl Pillemer
Professor of psychology and of gerontology in medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine
Pillemer says:
“There are endless commercials, specials, Lifetime movies, etc. about the wonderful aspects of holidays, and it’s very difficult for any family to live up to that. Remembering this can help ease stress and reduce tension.
“I’ve been able to come up with one rule for how families should handle political discussions—and it’s simple, but can be difficult to do. Ask yourself: is there any realistic possibility that we will have a reasonable discussion from opposing points of view, and then one of us may actually change our mind? If the answer is no, it’s much better for families to create a demilitarized zone around politics and avoid it. If a family member won’t stop haranguing you, walk away. Vote with your feet.
“From discussions around assisted living for older parents to a child’s choice of partner, we’re often tempted to have heavy conversations at the holidays when seeing people in-person. The advice of many of us who work in this area is to avoid those conversations, because they’re too emotionally charged for one visit—and they’re unlikely to work.
“When families return for the holidays, everyone feels like they have to stay in the same house. If you can afford it, the ability to go to a hotel room or Airbnb—having that escape hatch—can really be worth it. People should also feel comfortable making their stay a little shorter.”
